If I knew who I was going to marry..

I used to think that if I just knew who I was going to marry, life would be grand. Also, simpler. I wouldn't have to think about whether or not I'd get married, and I could get used to the idea of this person very early on and then learn more about them, and I wouldn't have to second guess my choices.

But what I've learned instead is that, as human beings (spiritual beings having a human experience, as some would put it.. lol) that cannot see the future and even have faulty vision of the past, that are severely limited in space as well as in time, we cannot know. I feel like there's something about the experience of emotional/romantic intimacy that makes you wonder if it's forever, even if you just started dating someone and you can see ways you're incompatible. So I think we come up with the idea of marriage on our own, and rather quickly. But even if it wasn't just you, even if you thought God told you directly, you'd still doubt it, because it is in human nature to doubt, to forget slightly, to overanalyze and question and pick it to pieces. To assume the other person can render it impossible. Of course, even before and during all the rest of this stuff, to think that you misheard God. So I've realized instead that we live in a world where it is not possible to know for the time being.

I think this is sort of how life is. We have a given question and we want an answer, but instead of getting an answer, we get the realization that we live in a world where we don't get the kind of answer we sought.

I think this is also kind of how prayer is. We pray for things, and whatever those things are, we realize that the point of prayer wasn't the answer to it but the realization that intimacy with God is way better than whatever we prayed for. Sometimes instead of what you hoped for, you get a story and see that you live in the kind of world where you can't know (yet) why things turned out a certain way.

This conclusion that I cannot know is more satisfying than thinking that it's possible to know and I just don't. Still not very satisfying, though. I think if I could love all ambiguity/surprises, I would have figured out the secret of happiness. In the meantime, I enjoy planned (and only planned) ambiguity/surprises. This is why I like moving to a new city where they don't speak English and I don't know anyone, but I can't handle it when someone says we're going to get bubble tea and instead we get ice cream.