All or Nothing, revisited / Empty Space

Something has been bothering me for months, and sitting here today I finally realized what it was. I had been turning around and around in my mind the idea of "either things matter, or they don't."

What I meant by that was either our actions and our sins have consequences and eternal weight, or they do not. It's obvious that our sins do have consequences even if we are forgiven of them (example: a baby that results from adultery, which is also an eternal result). It's obvious that even if Jesus forgives you for making all the wrong choices, you still made them.

I was having trouble finding some idea to hold on to to sort of anchor my thoughts.. I felt like I was thrashing around and never colliding with anything substantial as I tried to make sense of how it was possible for grace to exist, and what it could mean, because if it doesn't wipe away the sin completely, then what does it really do? By the magic of external processing, I have just realized that I think an action is categorized as a sin (or not a sin) based on our attitude toward God as we do it (with some sort of exception for mental illness, I guess?), and that alone. Thus grace restores our relationship to God (again and again and again). That's what it does. Because we can't do that on our own.

Acting against what you know to be right, or against what you feel God's telling you, is sin, whereas the same action performed by someone else might not be a sin. And we could be hurt by an action that was not a sin, if someone has good intentions for us. Like if you were allergic to penicillin (spelled that right on the first try, nbd) and someone administered it to you in some sort of medical situation that requires penicillin, thinking it would save your life, but the result was you got much worse and were in much more pain, that's completely different than someone who knows you're allergic and wants to hurt you.

So the reason something is a sin is because it ruptures your relationship with God somehow. It could be you making your own choice despite what you believe God wants for you, thereby supplanting him as ruler of your life and know-er of all that is right (knowledge of good and evil?). In fact maybe that's all it ever is, but it just takes different forms. That's not a very original idea, I admit.

What does this all have to do with my revelation? I think most people, and most especially people my age, are looking for meaning in their lives, for some evidence that whatever we're doing isn't a waste. Either it's a waste, and we should change something, or it isn't a waste, and it's okay to keep many things the same. Either we have time to try harder later, or we are scorning God's gift by not trying hard now. All or nothing.

Living in France is neat, and one reason I like it is because the first thing that jumps to mind isn't "waste of time," when I think of "spending a year after college working in France." But really, just as atoms are mostly empty space, and outer space is mostly empty space, and lots of things in between* are mostly empty space with a few significant little pieces that give the rest meaning and identity, my life here has a lot of "empty space" between moments of importance or significance. Because I work about ten hours a week, and have between 2 and 3 "church things" a week, and the rest is up in the air and can be settled any which way.

So I find myself thinking, "oh, if I am wasting time here, Jesus will forgive me," and then I think, "but wasting time is squandering my brief existence on earth" and then I think, "I love being in my room! The only thing I don't love about it is this fear that I'm wasting time." Then I look at some blogs of women who put up 5-7 pictures of themselves in different outfits posing in different ways every few days, with the designer or store where they got each article of clothing neatly and perhaps painstakingly typed up beneath, and I think "what a waste of time, but also I'm jealous because so many strangers are complimenting their style" and THEN I think, "if what they are doing is a waste of time, then what do you call what I am doing reading these blogs?"

In short, I tried to look at my status as a child of God for confirmation that I am not wasting my time. It didn't work. Because I guess deep down I think things matter. But then, is that being blasphemous? Aka, am I really okay with coming to a conclusion that leaves me feeling sort of ashamed because frankly I can't see myself giving any more effort at this particular moment of my life without it becoming direct, unmitigated legalism? I can only be assured of not wasting my time on a macro level. I can be sure that good works are being done through me (I generally consider Jesus' commands to us to be promises fulfilled by the Spirit in us, a la The Shack), and that God has me here for a reason, which I occasionally glimpse, but the amount I realize his reasoning has no bearing on how good of a reason it is.

But I was not convinced that I am not wasting my time. I thought about what I would be doing if I lived in America instead. In my imagination that, too, was mostly empty space, because summers between school years growing up had their camps and stuff but were largely empty space. School leaves less room for empty space, because if you're in school you probably have friends there who you'll hang out with, and extracurricular activities that take up enough of your time that you don't have as much space to wonder if your life has meaning, and at any rate at the end you have a degree or something. But school is over for now. And even when I worked 35 hours a week last summer, the job I was at was definitely mostly empty space. I sat at a desk for 7-8 hour shifts and staved off the boredom the best I could, then came home to no homework.

Then that one guy made that youtube video about Jesus versus religion and I read a response to it that pointed out that Jesus was, in fact, sort of a fan of rules when he said (John 14:21a paraphrased) "If you love me, follow my commandments." And I said, "Am I really following those commandments? Most of the time I am not interacting with other people, in fact I have been known to sometimes avoid opportunities to interact with them when I am sure that interaction will not be fun or manifestly fruitful." But I am consciously following some of the commandments, some of the time. Here, too, is mostly empty space.

What I realized today was not an answer to my question "so, do things matter or not?", but I realized why I was asking: I was asking because by any reasonable standard, my life right now is a giant waste of time. The internet is full of well-meaning people telling you to seize the day, every day, and to get off the couch. Well, my couch is in a room that doesn't get internet, so often I don't even have the benefit of being on the couch. I am a step down from wasting my life sitting on my couch- I am wasting (most of) my life sitting in bed. -100 points. People say be creative and follow your dreams, that it's always worth it. I believe those people. But I don't even know what my dreams are.

Part of me thinks if we could just find contentment where we are, we would have defeated Satan for good, and the other part of me thinks that's exactly what Satan would want, so that we'll stop reaching higher and eventually just remain exactly where we are, getting too fat to be healthy. This clearly demonstrates the problem of having such a black and white mind as the one that animates my body.

I conclude that we should "just give our best and the rest will come," (thank you Sleeping at Last, this is the second time I have quoted this exact line on this blog) and grace will cover all the other things, but I don't know what my best is, or how to give it. That's life, huh?

[Hahaha this sounds like such an emo rant, but I promise it's not. I feel very even-tempered as I write this, perhaps even peaceful. I know I make myself sound bad and/or boring, but I'm not very afraid of that. I guess because I believe I can't be the only one with these questions. Also, though I guess I believe deep down that things matter, I know I also believe that everything will be okay.]


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*My "in-between" example is a city, especially if you think of it as including the airspace above it and the earth below it. Only the things at about ground-level, which take up a relatively small chunk, determine what city it is.

God doesn't expect us to be good

I think it's self-evident that humanity is inherently evil, but if you are not convinced, here is a Dino Comic as evidence:

Now that that's established, I want to respond to some thoughts I heard in a class lecture by some dude named Bob Hamp.* By respond I mostly mean summarize so you don't have to listen to all hour and twenty minutes of it, and maybe add a few of my ideas.

To set the stage for his message, he refers to Scripture that comes soon after John 3:16. He uses the NASB, which might be why I had never heard it put this way before. He asks his class to fill in the blank in this: ²⁰ For everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come to the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. ²¹ But he who practices _______ comes to the Light, so that his deeds may be manifested as having been wrought in God.”

"He who does evil hates the light [...] but he who practices ______ comes to the light."

What should go in the blank? a) truth  b) good  c) righteousness

Me, I said good.

I fell into his trap.

The correct answer is "he who practices the truth comes to the light." Mr. Hamp (I don't even know this guy, I feel weird using his name) says that in human economy, the opposite of evil is good, but in God's economy, the opposite of evil is truth.

Thus, he continues, when God tells us our righteousness is like filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6), he's not saying it to make us feel crummy, but to give us a realistic diagnosis so he can give us a realistic course of treatment.

He points out that when someone says they are a good person, they are only comparing themself within the human race, like "not as bad as Hitler, not as good as Mother Teresa," but since all humanity is sinful, it's nothing to be proud of even to come out at the very top of that spectrum. And, he concludes, if there's no good in you, and you try to do good, the best you can do is a good version of evil.

Hamp says relatively early on that Scripture doesn't give us a list of rules to follow but a blueprint of how reality functions. Thus, despite our human conclusion that the way to fix evil is to do good, the real solution is not to do good but to come to the light. When we come to the light, God begins to expose what is not him, and reveal what is him, and then life starts to work. What I say about this is that not only does God reveal our hearts at this time, but he actually changes them. I tend to believe that becoming aware of something instantly changes it in all sorts of cases, and I especially think so in this case.

Hamp says what God wants of us isn't that we be good, but that we practice the truth. He says Adam originally didn't have an awareness of good and evil before he ate from the tree, and he goes so far as to say (admitting that it's not supported by Scripture) that Adam even could have done some bad stuff before the fall without knowing it, because he didn't have the Knowledge of Good and Evil, but that it wouldn't matter if he did, because he was living so closely with God.

So once Adam and Eve had sinned, they hid from God, choosing hiddenness over light and truth (hey just like in John 3:20!) Hamp says, "I wish I could go back and tell him, there is no good reason to hide. Hiding is death."

Okay, so basically all of that has been that guy's thoughts. Now for a few of mine. I find it fascinating that I still can fear God's judgment or disapproval even after reading about how he forgives and heals even the deepest and most entrenched and disgusting sins. After reading all the Scripture about how God sees us as beloved children. Yet that fear creeps in, and I admit there are plenty of things about myself I would not want God to know about or see, if I could control it.

But I think maybe the best advice I ever read about making those tough choices about behavior that may or may not be a sin, you're not sure, was this: do not let anything hinder your connection with God. If you don't find yourself able to stop a sin pattern, at least do not add hiding from God to your list of problems. God is not going to be shocked, because he's heard worse, and you can't really hide things anyway, only refuse to discuss them with him. And discussing them with him is the most giant step you can take in the best direction. You can't conquer sin on your own. Trying to suppress your sin nature is like trying to hold a lid down on a pot that wants to boil over. Ouch! And also you're going to fail miserably. To extend this slightly odd metaphor further, God is the one (one as in, only one) that can lower the flame, so ask him about it!

One last thing. I think a few verses in Luke illustrate how God responds to our honest, unhidden hearts, and that moment when we see the truth/see the light.

In Luke 5:4-11 Simon Peter lowers his nets because Jesus tells him to, even though he'd been fishing all night with no success.When two boats are filled with fish, Simon falls to his knees and says, "Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!" Whether or not that seems like a random comment in that context,** I think it reflects our natural response to our sin-- hiding from God, distancing ourselves from him. Instead of crying out, "Go away from us, Lord!" Adam and Eve just hid instead. But Jesus, instead of being like, "Okay Simon, you're right, catch ya later," he says, "Don't be afraid, from now on you will fish for people," or put another way, he entrusts him with a super important task whereby saying, "I want you for my team." He sees the worth in Simon. It was Simon's right view of things that unlocked this response.

So: we can't do good, but what God asks from us instead is for us to come to him and see the truth and live out the truth [live out= acknowledge in all our ways]. Once we do that, God takes care of the goodness. All the goodness is his anyway.

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*It's a sermon I heard here: http://gatewaypeople.com/ministries/freedom-kairos/media1 almost at the very bottom of the page, it's called "The Hidden Heart." I think it starts mid-sentence and talking about something random, just go with it.

**It does to me. Maybe someday it won't. I love how the Bible can be a gift you keep unwrapping.

What we look at says more about us than what we look like.

Some of those bright motivational posters for children say, “It’s what’s inside that counts!” I propose that, alternately, what we take in is more important than both our outsides and our insides. Because it’s a choice. People act like their life happens to them, and it partially does, but I think your true life is defined by what you decide to do about it, not by what happens. It’s like all the metaphors about hands you’re dealt and making lemonade. Life handing lemons is the test, and lemonade, your answers, are more you than the exam questions. Isn’t that true of a real test; which part is written in your handwriting?

Jesus said what you eat isn’t what makes you unclean, but I totally think that proves my point.

Mark 7 begins with a story of the Pharisees criticizing Jesus’ disciples for not washing their hands before they ate. Then Jesus lectures the Pharisees for holding too tightly to tradition and thus missing the point. In Mark 7:14-16, Jesus “again called the crowd to him and said, 'Listen to me, everyone, and understand this. Nothing outside you can defile you by going into you. Rather, it is what comes out of you that defiles you.'” When the disciples ask him to explain, he accuses them of being dull (“willfully stupid” in the Message), and explains the rationale in v 19: “For it doesn’t go into your heart but into your stomach, and then out of your body.”

Even the Message translation holds to this same point: “Don’t you see that what you swallow can’t contaminate you? It doesn’t enter your heart but your stomach, works its way through the intestines, and is finally flushed.”

I think it’s pretty clear by this passage that something that actually does enter your heart has the potential to contaminate you. And of course, there’s Philippians 4:8 “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” The Message says, “you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.”

I think we sometimes buy into this idea that we can control what we are on the inside. I’m not so sure I agree. Haven’t you ever had an unwelcome thought? I’ve had more than I could possibly ever hope to count. Unwelcome means uninvited, and therefore I didn’t control its presence in my mind. We’re all born with internal, invisible traits we may or may not like.

Even Jesus couldn’t do all He did without a good influence, something to watch and fill his mind with, the most true, noble lovely, pure, admirable, beautiful, gracious, compelling, best, praise-worthy being that has ever existed:

John 5:19-20 -“Very truly I tell you, the Son can do nothing by himself, he can do only what he sees the Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does. For the Father loves the Son and shows him all he does. Yes, and he will show him even greater works than these, so that you will be amazed.

Martyn Lloyd-Jones said that spiritual depression is mainly "due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself."

I realized this last part last night. I have this desire to regularly meet with a woman who is older than I am, just to talk to her about life. I apparently had this desire when I was in Paris, too, because in retrospect I totally did that, I just showed up at her office (granted, she was a youth pastor) a bunch of times and we talked. Last night I tried to ask this woman from church if we could get a meal some time, but really I used the word for sometimes, and either way, it doesn't matter because her response wasn't the desired, "of course! I know what you mean," even though I tried to explain why I was asking, it was more like, "sure, but you should just hang out with my son at my house if you're lonely."

Afterward I felt awkward for asking because I felt misunderstood and even a touch creepy, and I had to tell myself over and over again that it's really not that big of a deal that I asked, that she knows there's a language barrier, and ultimately, whatever she did end up thinking about it (or more likely, not thinking about it), I will not necessarily ever know so the fact remains that either way I need to quickly accept that it happened and move on from it. That was me talking to myself, even coaching myself if you will, with a chant of, "It's not a big deal, everything is fine, you can let it go." But that is not what I would think if I were listening to myself. If I were listening to myself, I'd hear, "you are SO creepy right now. She probably really doesn't want to hang out with you, and is too busy anyway, and is trying to foist you off on her son, and did I mention how awkward it is that you just asked to meet up with her for more than one meal even though you just met recently and don't even remember her first name?" (Connection time: those thoughts, coming out of me, want to defile me, like in the Mark 7 passage.)

One last thing. My mom never let me watch Friends growing up (to this day, I've never seen a full episode, or really enjoyed it-- maybe there's still a sour feeling attached to it) or lots of other things (she was so upset when she caught me trying to watch 40 days and 40 nights once after she'd gone to bed) and she was so against Gossip Girl that she confiscated the books I received for Christmas and complained that the TV show was TRASH when I mentioned it once. She believed something called GIGO- garbage in, garbage out. I still deeply resent this saying, and it's very, very begrudgingly that I admit it's spot on and if I ever have a kid I'm not letting them watch anything either.

Last thing, I promise: this is embarrassing, but I've heard lots of other people do it, too. When I am thinking about something hard enough, or imagining something, my face starts to reflect it. Seriously if I think about someone asking me a question I would say yes to, I start to smile and nod without meaning to. This can happen when I am reading a book, or at lots of other times. This proves to me that we are actually interacting deeply with our surroundings, and with our imaginations, even if we pretend not to be.

A reflection on having and being given more

Looking for a specific Bible verse, I typed "to the one who has" into google, and as usual I thought all the suggestions that popped up after I added each word were really interesting. But what was most interesting of all was the fact that the verse I was searching for is found not once, not twice, but thrice in the gospels. This was news to me. The three places are Matthew 13:12, Matthew 25:29, and Mark 4:25. *Edit. That wasn't even true. It's four times. (F'rice?) The website I used had cross-references; it also showed Luke 8:18 and Luke 19:26. Well, both make five. And if you count John 15:2 about how the branch that bears no fruit is cut off, and those that bear fruit are pruned to be more fruitful, that's at least six times. I'm going to stop looking for more, but I think those (at least) six passages make it clear that it's a super important concept. That's a ton, a TON, of times to repeat the same exact idea in basically or exactly the same words. And that's all four gospels, too!

The NIV translations are all identical except one leaves out the word abundance: "Whoever has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him."

Other translations differ slightly between references, and they make it clear that this abundance, this having, generally refers to knowledge, insight, understanding of mysterious and lofty things. One interpretation makes it sound like it has to do with using well what is given, rather than doing nothing with it. But I am going to focus on another reading.

I started working out recently, and it's been pretty great so far. I definitely wasn't expecting to say that. I thought I'd say it's been a struggle, because that had been my experience with working out in the past. But instead, I find that I like it. I actually have way more energy than I did before. I am motivated to take the stairs instead of the elevator, or to jump up and down with both feet just because. And yesterday, I could tell my body wanted to work out. It was literally like a puppy that wants to go for a walk, like, "are we going to the gym? please?" and I was all, "sorry, we don't have time today, and I decided to go every other day; we'll go tomorrow!" I'm not even sure how I could tell this, because I can assure you my body and I don't usually have conversations like this, but somehow it was definitely the case.

It made me think, I almost never wanted to work out before I decided to just start one day. But now that I have (started), instead of finding that I am more tired from exercising, I have more energy and more motivation. When I didn't have any working out, even my motivation was taken from me, and when I did have some working out, bonus motivation was added to me without that even having been my intention.

Additionally, I have read (and I believe) that when you exercise regularly, you naturally start wanting more healthful foods, and cravings for unhealthy food are slightly suppressed. This is yet another bonus or addition to "the one who has". If you're out of shape and not working out, what you have could be taken from you by your hunger for tasty but unhealthy food.

I have also come to realize something in the past few days. I'd realized this many, many times before, but I appreciate it more now than ever. The very best advice you can give to someone regarding their prayer life and, well, several other things in life (exercise, often) is this: just show up. And don't let anything stop you from showing up. Including, maybe especially, your own thoughts or doubts. Don't measure your results in minutes or days, but trust in the process and let the results take care of themselves as you faithfully keep persisting at whatever it is you want to see growth in. Daily intention and daily effort is the cause (because you'll be given more) and result (because it's a grace of God that you are able to carry it out) of a truly successful life.