All My Loving

"Close your eyes and I'll kiss you,
Tomorrow I'll miss you;
Remember I'll always be true.
And then while I'm away,
I'll write home ev'ry day,
And I'll send all my loving to you."

Today I was sitting on a bus randomly listening to "All My Loving" from the movie Across the Universe. I suddenly asked myself, "isn't this the song the guy sings the girl from across the ocean while there's a montage of him cheating on her?" I remembered how I had used to really enjoy the song before seeing the movie, because I took all the words at face value, and I had a revelation.

I believe people. When they tell me things about themselves, I buy them. The best example of this is when they tell me they don't have romantic feelings for someone. I believe their words in spite of their actions. This post isn't meant to target anyone in particular, because this has happened to me several times. And the conclusion I have come to is that people don't know themselves, either. It would be hypocritical of me to complain about this, since I certainly don't understand myself, and I am a verbal processor to boot. But this realization makes it difficult to trust people. It almost seems stupid to do so when so often I get burned in the end, whether simply looking foolish in front of other, more intuitive mutual friends, or feelings of betrayal when people blatantly go against what they told me to my face and I chose to trust.

My question would be how do you know when to trust people and when to ignore what they repeatedly verbalize in face of stronger evidence... but I said "would be," because ultimately I have no question. There isn't an answer. Sometimes I will just be wrong, and that can't be predicted in advance.

But I think there might be inherent value to trusting, given that I'll make mistakes whether I favor trust or cynicism. At the end of The Magician's Nephew, there are talking animals, and they are very nice. But Uncle Andrew can't understand their words and just thinks they are making animal noises, and is afraid of them because he perceives them as violent brutes. This is because Uncle Andrew is a giant jerk. C.S. Lewis is careful to point out here that our personal character affects the way we see others and the assumptions we make about them.

Right now I can't speak for trusting in all circumstances. I still don't trust that all the money we give to beggars goes to a good cause, for example, and my students here lie to my face without breaking a sweat. But in the context of established friendships, I wonder whether believing the words people chose for you to hear-- hard though it may be, and even though you might ultimately be wrong to do so-- is beneficial enough that it's worth it to try. To fight the instinct to distrust everyone forever, just in case. (This instinct isn't unreasonable, after all. Most people in your life end up hurting you, maybe even a lot.) To stay pure of heart and let God defend you when people take advantage. Yet in the end, I just don't know.

[Lastly,

"I'll pretend that I'm kissing
the lips I am missing
And hope that my dreams will come true."

This is unrelated, but I have to complain about this line. In the context of cheating, it's particularly horrible. In my opinion you can't pretend to be kissing the lips you are missing unless you are actually kissing some other pair of lips. Otherwise you'd just be imagining it.]

If I knew who I was going to marry..

I used to think that if I just knew who I was going to marry, life would be grand. Also, simpler. I wouldn't have to think about whether or not I'd get married, and I could get used to the idea of this person very early on and then learn more about them, and I wouldn't have to second guess my choices.

But what I've learned instead is that, as human beings (spiritual beings having a human experience, as some would put it.. lol) that cannot see the future and even have faulty vision of the past, that are severely limited in space as well as in time, we cannot know. I feel like there's something about the experience of emotional/romantic intimacy that makes you wonder if it's forever, even if you just started dating someone and you can see ways you're incompatible. So I think we come up with the idea of marriage on our own, and rather quickly. But even if it wasn't just you, even if you thought God told you directly, you'd still doubt it, because it is in human nature to doubt, to forget slightly, to overanalyze and question and pick it to pieces. To assume the other person can render it impossible. Of course, even before and during all the rest of this stuff, to think that you misheard God. So I've realized instead that we live in a world where it is not possible to know for the time being.

I think this is sort of how life is. We have a given question and we want an answer, but instead of getting an answer, we get the realization that we live in a world where we don't get the kind of answer we sought.

I think this is also kind of how prayer is. We pray for things, and whatever those things are, we realize that the point of prayer wasn't the answer to it but the realization that intimacy with God is way better than whatever we prayed for. Sometimes instead of what you hoped for, you get a story and see that you live in the kind of world where you can't know (yet) why things turned out a certain way.

This conclusion that I cannot know is more satisfying than thinking that it's possible to know and I just don't. Still not very satisfying, though. I think if I could love all ambiguity/surprises, I would have figured out the secret of happiness. In the meantime, I enjoy planned (and only planned) ambiguity/surprises. This is why I like moving to a new city where they don't speak English and I don't know anyone, but I can't handle it when someone says we're going to get bubble tea and instead we get ice cream.