All or Nothing

A few weeks ago, one of my roommates read in a book that a psychologist could predict how well a marriage will fare after just 15 minutes of watching the couple. They predicted with great accuracy whether the couple would divorce just from seeing them interact for that short amount of time.

When she relayed this to me, I was totally not surprised. I have (had? past tense?) this tenuous idea that we live each moment the way we want to, over and over again, almost regardless of our outward circumstances. It's similar logic to that study that showed people are about the same level of happiness for their whole lives. It's like that saying, life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you make of it.

Unfortunately, that idea has some flaws. Notably, I've been having a sort of weird couple of weeks. During the past school year I felt great about where all my time was going. I spent tons of time with people I loved, and I felt like most of my time (apart from the odd Saturday..) was purposeful and productive and helpful for the long term. So I was happy to drift deeper and deeper into the idea that I had just reached a new height of understanding in life, and I would never go back, and I had an enormous amount of control over my life, because I alone could decide my reaction to it.

Basically I decided that I must act in a consistent way at all times, not only a consistent way but a way that I will be glad I lived in the future. I reasoned that if I string together awesome seconds, the result will be an awesome life. That's great logic! I'm a great logician. Enter real life.

Now that I feel sort of unsettled some of the time, sort of vaguely disconnected from God (probably because my job has kept me from going to church for 3 of the past 4 Sundays), and less like He is speaking to me (because I've been sort of doubting I can hear Him the way I once thought I could), and most of all, just.. like... ready for the next big thing; now that all that is true, I can't just be like "I'm fine if every day for the rest of my life is like this day." Or insert "moment" for "day."

Thus, this new idea I just scribbled in my planner as a note-to-self: "It's okay that some days and moments are darker than others, and it's more than okay--it's accurate--to know you're walking into eternal brightness and each day can get brighter and brighter into eternity."

Things will ebb and flow, but I know that the more I know Jesus, the more light He will bring into my life. It will be a good thing if not every day is like this day, because they will be sweeter as I come to know more of God's character, even if my surface level emotions don't always reflect the deeper joy.

If that sounds cheesy, just know that I really believe it. If it helps, I don't think life naturally tends to get better for everyone. In fact, I think it gets worse if we don't fight the encroaching darkness. I specifically think things will improve in the context of coming to personally know Jesus Christ. Like Romans 8:28, I think things work together for the good of those who love God & have been called according to His purposes. But sadly, the verse doesn't sound like it's saying all things work together for the good of every single person.

Psalm 36:9 promises light to those who look: "For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light." (NIV) Other versions say things like "by your light we see light" and The Message says, " You're a fountain of cascading light, and you open our eyes to light."

I am happy it doesn't have to be all or nothing, that my eyes can and will get a little more open every day as they get stronger and can handle more light.