Dirty Jokes and God in Nature

I've always loved the metaphor of God illuminating the universe the way the sun illuminates earth. We'd be hopeless and lightless without Him, and He gives us life so naturally that we take Him for granted at times. Also there is not one thing we could do to stop Him from giving to us, though we could build somewhere we could hide in the shade, though we'd do that by the light of the sun, aka by the life and creativity He shares with us. Then there are places like caves that are not man-made but are naturally ways to escape the light, or, like, places we could go that are not conducive to receiving light and life. But that's a digression. The thing I hadn't thought of before is that nighttimes are not an accident. It's not as though something has gone horribly awry each night and we need to panic. Because the sun always comes up again, we simply trust that it will the next morning and sleep in peace.

If God seems distant for a time, that doesn't mean that we need to freak out and start trying to "relight the sun" by our own power. There are just different seasons for different things. We need to live and trust as though He's going to come back, because He will. Even on cloudy days when the sun is hidden, it's still the way we can see everything, even if we can't see it. And lastly, the moon gives light on most nights, but the moon is only reflecting the sun.

I see this-all (God sort of resembles self-evident things we can understand) as related but not the same as Romans 1:20 (NLT:) For ever since the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky. Through everything God made, they can clearly see his invisible qualities--his eternal power and divine nature. So they have no excuse for not knowing God.

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Now for dirty jokes. First of all, I think those are the funniest jokes. But I had a great conversation today that made me rethink some stuff. I went to a public high school, and because of that, I am aware of some humor that many home-schoolers (or people raised in a really restrictive home environment) will never understand (this is not me being sassy, it's a fact). This humor almost certainly falls under the category of coarse talk and foolish joking (Ephesians 5:4). I used to be proud of how I could get almost any joke, no matter how gross, proud of how I knew the normal definitions on urban dictionary (there's plenty of stuff on there that no one ever actually uses, so you can't blindly trust it) and was conversant in how to use them. The reason is because it seems more sophisticated, and, well, intelligent, to be able to understand, and furthermore, appreciate, a higher percentage of what's being said. In a way, I would pity those who didn't get it. A whole world out there they didn't understand, and didn't know they didn't understand.

The friend I spoke to today said something like, one's purity of heart may mean that they understand a smaller percentage of the jokes being made around them. This started me thinking, but better yet, they told an improv story. (Names omitted) She said a visiting university's improv troupe, for whom usually no subject was off limits, did a show at a Christian college. The Christian improvisers warned the visitors, "okay, you have to be squeaky clean here, you can't just say anything" and the visitors agreed. During the joint show, the normally-dirty improvisers had no idea what subjects were okay, so they challenged themselves to stay way away from anything slightly controversial. My friend thinks they were even funnier than the Christians who were fluent in the boundaries and stepped quite close to them, knowing what was fine and what wasn't.

Normally I am not huge on risks and challenges but something about the use of the term "challenge," really... reshuffled my mental cards on this matter (Ha. I've never used that metaphor before, or even heard it, ever, but it's exactly what I mean). Maybe being dirtier is not a sign of being smarter, but a sign of being lazier. Maybe you are not more sophisticated if you get more jokes, but instead you're less discerning. Maybe you're avoiding the real challenge, not rising to one.

After all, we call them dirty jokes, and dirtiness is another of those natural things that are self-evident and easily understood. What's harder, to stay dirty or to stay clean? You get dirty without even trying. Cleanliness requires a repeated effort. It doesn't just happen. It's more of a challenge than the alternative. Someone who manages to stay clean or pure should be honored, not pitied. It isn't easy to resist suggestive humor to the extent that you don't even get it. As they say, if you go with the flow you'll end up in a mud puddle at the bottom of the hill. Until now, I've been picking the lazy way out and, stupidly, being proud of that choice.

Lastly, I feel like God's reminding me how cynical I've become and how far I've gotten from a simple, childlike trust in Him. I like to think of how children watch movies (even kids movies) and their parents laugh at what seems like random times to them because they don't get all the nuances yet. I used to glory in being "the adult" no matter what movie it was, but God tells us His kingdom belongs to little children (Luke 18:16) and you must be like them to get into it (Matthew 18:3, Mark 10:15).

Deep Grief

Reading Joel, I came across the passage, "Mourn like a virgin in sackcloth grieving for the betrothed of her youth" (1:8). All the recent news of weddings/engagements of so, so many people from Wheaton made me appreciate this metaphor even more than usual. People are so excited about their futures together, about planning and the love that they already have now and want to have more of in the coming years of their lives. They probably feel certain that this is the person God hand picked for them to spend the rest of their life with. The verse is like, what if due to some tragedy, instead of a wedding there was a funeral? The anguish would be made a million times worse by the happy anticipation it replaces.

But then I thought, well if you never ended up marrying the person at all, would that be a relief at all? Would it be a little worse to lose your actual spouse, and/or the parent of your children? And that line of thinking made me remember sitting in a car with a few people and discussing whether it would be worse to accidentally kill your child or your lover. I think the answer to that one is pretty obvious: they are both terrible so it doesn't matter.

What all those things have in common, though, is that they represent among the darkest possible of human experience. Especially because it's so unexpected and thus seemingly so meaningless or accidental. Everyone has pain, but this type of loss seems pretty clearly worse than the other kinds.

So I have looked for a silver lining. I obviously would still never wish this stuff on anyone, just to be clear. But I think maybe the benefit to losing everything and hitting rock bottom is the freedom. I once read, [paraphrase] "Once I was dead, I didn't care about my wallet. I gave it away to the first person I saw."

If your entire perception of reality was flipped on its head, you would be free of all the stupid stuff that keeps the rest from doing what they really love. A person who had been through that kind of deep grief would literally be forced to find a reason to keep living and to keep loving. I don't know if the average person will ever find that reason. Often we kind of only do what we have to, to get by. I think it's fully possible (though sad) that someone could float through their whole life without really being free of vague fears that keep them from living the fullest life possible. Deep down, I really do think the only way to truly fail at life is not to try (to clarify, that "failed" attempts would be a form of success by putting the focus on the word "attempts"), but we let dumb things stop us, like pride or fear (which tends to be related to pride, too).

"The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning." -Ivy Baker Priest

I think this is where the idea of dying to self comes from.. Dead people are not worried about whether they look cool anymore.

Again, I repeat, I haven't had such an extreme experience, and I would never say someone ought to, but since they do happen, they can be dealt with in a way that brings more life and more joy and more freedom.

Also from Joel: "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten" [the Lord replied to them]. (2:25a).

A reflection on having and being given more

Looking for a specific Bible verse, I typed "to the one who has" into google, and as usual I thought all the suggestions that popped up after I added each word were really interesting. But what was most interesting of all was the fact that the verse I was searching for is found not once, not twice, but thrice in the gospels. This was news to me. The three places are Matthew 13:12, Matthew 25:29, and Mark 4:25. *Edit. That wasn't even true. It's four times. (F'rice?) The website I used had cross-references; it also showed Luke 8:18 and Luke 19:26. Well, both make five. And if you count John 15:2 about how the branch that bears no fruit is cut off, and those that bear fruit are pruned to be more fruitful, that's at least six times. I'm going to stop looking for more, but I think those (at least) six passages make it clear that it's a super important concept. That's a ton, a TON, of times to repeat the same exact idea in basically or exactly the same words. And that's all four gospels, too!

The NIV translations are all identical except one leaves out the word abundance: "Whoever has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him."

Other translations differ slightly between references, and they make it clear that this abundance, this having, generally refers to knowledge, insight, understanding of mysterious and lofty things. One interpretation makes it sound like it has to do with using well what is given, rather than doing nothing with it. But I am going to focus on another reading.

I started working out recently, and it's been pretty great so far. I definitely wasn't expecting to say that. I thought I'd say it's been a struggle, because that had been my experience with working out in the past. But instead, I find that I like it. I actually have way more energy than I did before. I am motivated to take the stairs instead of the elevator, or to jump up and down with both feet just because. And yesterday, I could tell my body wanted to work out. It was literally like a puppy that wants to go for a walk, like, "are we going to the gym? please?" and I was all, "sorry, we don't have time today, and I decided to go every other day; we'll go tomorrow!" I'm not even sure how I could tell this, because I can assure you my body and I don't usually have conversations like this, but somehow it was definitely the case.

It made me think, I almost never wanted to work out before I decided to just start one day. But now that I have (started), instead of finding that I am more tired from exercising, I have more energy and more motivation. When I didn't have any working out, even my motivation was taken from me, and when I did have some working out, bonus motivation was added to me without that even having been my intention.

Additionally, I have read (and I believe) that when you exercise regularly, you naturally start wanting more healthful foods, and cravings for unhealthy food are slightly suppressed. This is yet another bonus or addition to "the one who has". If you're out of shape and not working out, what you have could be taken from you by your hunger for tasty but unhealthy food.

I have also come to realize something in the past few days. I'd realized this many, many times before, but I appreciate it more now than ever. The very best advice you can give to someone regarding their prayer life and, well, several other things in life (exercise, often) is this: just show up. And don't let anything stop you from showing up. Including, maybe especially, your own thoughts or doubts. Don't measure your results in minutes or days, but trust in the process and let the results take care of themselves as you faithfully keep persisting at whatever it is you want to see growth in. Daily intention and daily effort is the cause (because you'll be given more) and result (because it's a grace of God that you are able to carry it out) of a truly successful life.

Even-ness and package-deal-lives

I have this idea that everything somehow comes out even for all of us. It may have begun when I was jealous of one of my friends whose mother bought her a $200 dress for our 8^th grade dance and my mother said, “would you like it if your parents were divorced?” Meaning that I couldn't just cherry-pick the best parts of her life, because a life is a package deal. Meaning also, perhaps--I am just now realizing for the first time--that there was some link between the expensive dress and the divorce-- the friend’s mother may have been trying to compensate, or to demonstrate that this girl could still have all she wanted, or that the mother didn’t need a man to be able to afford nice, even luxurious, things for her daughter.

I feel like the specific bad things that happen to each of us will be made up for by the good things that happen to only us. Like shortcomings in our personality are excused by our strengths. (Sometimes unfairly. I think I am way more forgiving of attractive people, or people who have something to offer me). Like those of us who suffer through being nerdy or weird in school may someday literally be more fulfilled in life because we’ve learned what’s truly important.

I don’t know if this is true. I would suspect it is not, especially in very extreme cases, but it’s an idea I can’t shake from the back of my mind (not that I’ve tried very hard, or wanted to). I suppose it’s a manifestation of every human’s desire for justice. It just doesn’t seem right that people could really have a worse life. I mean, I honestly believe that suffering purifies us and makes us better people. I think that with every part of my mind. I have moments when I lapse away from it, but that belief has stood the test of time for me. So then, if our life is hard, our character is better for it.

A recent and vivid example that seems to prove my idea comes from a writing class. There is a girl I know, who is a good example of shininess (something I want to cover in a later post). To the extreme. She made an anonymous cameo in someone else’s essay because her Facebook makes her seem so happy and blessed that it was worth it to bring her up and talk about how lucky she is. This girl is not someone I know very well, but I know she came to college with a boyfriend who seemed loving and great for her. Later I found out that she cried at night so loudly that she could be heard outside her room. (To be honest, I don’t know how often. I remember it as “fairly often” but I’m not sure). And she and that “perfect man” are no longer together. Her nighttime crying (something I did not experience freshman year) is a great example of balancing out how damn jealous everyone is of her because she seems so happy. When I found that out, I was deeply gratified. Not that I was glad she cried, but I was glad she was human.

People who are truly happy all the time, not faking, to the extent that they exist, are living in ignorance and simplicity. They have traded intelligence and honesty for a shallowness that may be a bad thing. It reminds me of a dog. When I was a child I used to be jealous of my dog Yodi because he could just lay around all day. But, in keeping with what my mother taught me about a life as a package deal, I knew I couldn't read or eat really good food if I were a dog. But dogs can be happy all the time because they don't have to think about the deep sadness and inequality the world holds. With Jesus as our example we can still find joy and love through suffering, even though we have to be human. It's too hot in here to write more about that now. Hopefully someday I will be super comfortable to make up for it ;)

All or Nothing

A few weeks ago, one of my roommates read in a book that a psychologist could predict how well a marriage will fare after just 15 minutes of watching the couple. They predicted with great accuracy whether the couple would divorce just from seeing them interact for that short amount of time.

When she relayed this to me, I was totally not surprised. I have (had? past tense?) this tenuous idea that we live each moment the way we want to, over and over again, almost regardless of our outward circumstances. It's similar logic to that study that showed people are about the same level of happiness for their whole lives. It's like that saying, life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you make of it.

Unfortunately, that idea has some flaws. Notably, I've been having a sort of weird couple of weeks. During the past school year I felt great about where all my time was going. I spent tons of time with people I loved, and I felt like most of my time (apart from the odd Saturday..) was purposeful and productive and helpful for the long term. So I was happy to drift deeper and deeper into the idea that I had just reached a new height of understanding in life, and I would never go back, and I had an enormous amount of control over my life, because I alone could decide my reaction to it.

Basically I decided that I must act in a consistent way at all times, not only a consistent way but a way that I will be glad I lived in the future. I reasoned that if I string together awesome seconds, the result will be an awesome life. That's great logic! I'm a great logician. Enter real life.

Now that I feel sort of unsettled some of the time, sort of vaguely disconnected from God (probably because my job has kept me from going to church for 3 of the past 4 Sundays), and less like He is speaking to me (because I've been sort of doubting I can hear Him the way I once thought I could), and most of all, just.. like... ready for the next big thing; now that all that is true, I can't just be like "I'm fine if every day for the rest of my life is like this day." Or insert "moment" for "day."

Thus, this new idea I just scribbled in my planner as a note-to-self: "It's okay that some days and moments are darker than others, and it's more than okay--it's accurate--to know you're walking into eternal brightness and each day can get brighter and brighter into eternity."

Things will ebb and flow, but I know that the more I know Jesus, the more light He will bring into my life. It will be a good thing if not every day is like this day, because they will be sweeter as I come to know more of God's character, even if my surface level emotions don't always reflect the deeper joy.

If that sounds cheesy, just know that I really believe it. If it helps, I don't think life naturally tends to get better for everyone. In fact, I think it gets worse if we don't fight the encroaching darkness. I specifically think things will improve in the context of coming to personally know Jesus Christ. Like Romans 8:28, I think things work together for the good of those who love God & have been called according to His purposes. But sadly, the verse doesn't sound like it's saying all things work together for the good of every single person.

Psalm 36:9 promises light to those who look: "For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light." (NIV) Other versions say things like "by your light we see light" and The Message says, " You're a fountain of cascading light, and you open our eyes to light."

I am happy it doesn't have to be all or nothing, that my eyes can and will get a little more open every day as they get stronger and can handle more light.

Something I will never change my mind about

I prefer thinking in absolutes, but of course this is usually impractical. That doesn't keep me from looking for things I can just say and not have to qualify, or things I can devote myself to being without feeling like I have to be careful not to be too much of that thing.

I am very happy to announce that I found another one. I really loathe the expression, "lifelong learner" for some reason (too alliterative?), so I'm shortening it to "learner". There are a few reasons it's everlastingly appropriate to commit to being a learner. First of all, we'll never know everything, so we'll never, ever be like, "oops, I'm done early, what should I be now?" Secondly, in his book Onething, Sam Storms writes about how even angels in heaven are always learning. He mentions how in 1 Peter 1:12 they desire to look into the things of redemption. He goes on about continued learning in heaven for a while, saying there's always more about God to learn, and our perfect happiness will yet "always [be] subject to improvement," oh, and that our learning on earth is a foundation for all we will learn in the afterlife. So, apparently learning will be fun.

Another thing about learning is this quote by Abraham Lincoln: "I don't think much of a man who is not wiser today than he was yesterday." Well, I don't know about you, but I would want Abraham Lincoln to think well of me (assuming he was using the gender-encompassing form of "man," that is).

Lastly, and bestly, the idea of always learning gives me a great framework for interacting with super annoying people. I wish I could remember the source of this last idea; it certainly wasn't me. It suggested that you view every interaction as though the other person were divinely sent into your path to teach you something new and enlighten you in a way only they could. People who say provoking things were sent to teach you to be patient and kind in spite of obstacles, people who need help were sent to show you how to lovingly offer aid, etc etc. It sounds cheesy, but just wait until you're face-to-face with someone who doesn't seem to like, get it. If you can step back just long enough to reframe it as a chance for you to improve your people skills, a personal lesson (free tuition!) that no one else is getting, it actually helps.

Some days feel useless, especially during the summer, but I can honestly say I have learned something every day since I graduated, which means every day so far, even without realizing it, I have lived into my self-assigned role of learner, and that is a relief. And Abraham Lincoln would be pleased.

You were probably an accident (not really, though)

I estimate that (VERY, VERY conservatively) 75% of people in the world were unintended/an accident. I actually think the statistic is more like 100%, but sometimes that seems crazy and so I softened it by randomly choosing a more reasonable figure. But seriously, even if two people are married and willing to have a kid (which, let’s be honest, that can’t be more than 50% of parents, amiright? I mean, affairs and love children and all that) they don’t know which, um, attempt at parenthood, will, like, succeed. So they can’t’ve specifically meant that kid. The best they can do is ballpark it. Even parents don’t necessarily know the conditions of a child’s conception. And if they do, they still don’t know what that kid will be like; their interests, their hair, their face.

It really blew me away to think about how if you just go into a place with people and look at them, 100% are the personification of a sexual encounter (do not bring up test tube babies plz kthx) and conservatively 75% of them are the personification of some sort of mistake. Humans are good at making mistakes. A Wendell Berry poem someone read to me tonight said something like, "thank God for ignorance, for humans cannot destroy what they don't know about."

However, God knew and intended each one of us specifically. Every freckle. He created us in His image because it was His good pleasure, and He wanted us to know Him and love Him the way He knows us and loves us. All the planning that went into creating you is… lots of generations. Here are some fave lyrics from Sleeping at Last, a band I just really kind of love:

You were a million years of work
said God and his angels with needle and thread
they kissed your head
and said
“you’re a good kid
and you make us proud
so just give your best and the rest will come and we’ll see you soon”

How amazing that I was planned from the beginning. I exist. I didn’t have to be, but I am because God wanted me to be. Lastly, this is paraphrased from a Facebook group I was once a part of, when Facebook, like, had groups (I don’t really know what’s going on with that now): “If you ever feel down, sad, alone, or weak, like you have never done anything significant, just remember that you were once the fastest and most victorious of all the millions of little sperm.”