Cain and Abel used to bother me.

Yesterday in church I realized it bugged me that God seemed to accept Abel and reject Cain. Doesn't Acts 10:34-35 tell us that he's "no respecter of persons" (depending on your translation)? Doesn't 1 Peter 1:17 say the Father judges impartially, and are we not instructed to imitate God by doing "nothing out of favoritism" in 1 Timothy 5:21? And in James 3:17 the wisdom that comes from heaven is lots of things, and one of them is impartial.

But before I had even had time to think of those (I mean, who needs references to know God is fair, right?) I realized that I was overlooking part of the story. Genesis 4:4-5 says, "The LORD looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor." Not just Abel and Cain themselves. So Cain gets mad and sad (my paraphrase of Genesis 4:5b) and God, being a considerate person, asks him why. "If you do what is right, will you not be accepted?"

I admit there's a lot going on in the original story that I don't understand, because I don't know if there's some significance to the difference between offering animals and plants (one has blood and includes death?) and I know that Abel kept flocks for a living, and Cain grew stuff, so what does that say about 2 Corinthians 8:12 "For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what one does not have"? But I think I know the answer already. It specifies right in the passage, "if the willingness is there."

The reading of the Cain and Abel story that does not bother me is as follows: Cain's and Abel's offerings have modern-day parallels that I can understand. Another word for offering in this case will be sacrifice. Modern-day sacrifices include all sorts of things. Like:

- sacrificing your right to speak up and defend yourself all the time (Jesus set us an example of this in 1 Peter 2:23, and it is every bit as relevant today as ever);

- sacrificing whatever amount of time you set aside daily for prayer, listening to God and reading Scripture;

- sacrificing watching movies or TV or listening to music that feels really good but also sort of tears apart your soul a little bit by setting a bad example (okay, I am referring to Gossip Girl);

- sacrificing the unlimited free music you could be having by choosing to pay out of respect for musicians;

- sacrificing your American Dream to pursue something less glam and impressive for Jesus' sake and the sake of the broken (example: doing that thing where you put a cap on your earnings and give the rest away);

- sacrificing a tenth of your dinero to give to church;

- sacrificing making out too much or at the wrong time in the interest of purity and showing you trust God that He's better than making out out of season.

and.. the examples are probably infinite, but those are what I came up with on the spot. If you were wondering, the making out one is my favorite example, lol. And I'd consider those to all be pretty good sacrifices. Sacrifices that are supernaturally motivated when you decide you want to honor God and ask Him for the strength to make them. I realize there are way bigger things to give up, and also way smaller. But I think the listed examples all require faith that there's more to life than what we can see. Hebrews 11:4 says that, "By faith Abel brought God a better offering than Cain did." So I can believe that in my modern-day parallel story, Abel's sacrifice, his offering, was something like one of those or better. And as for Cain, well, his offering was probably more like the day you forgot to bring lunch with you and there's nowhere you can buy it so you realize halfway through being hungry that technically it could probably be referred to as a fast, and that's what you offer. Cain's sacrifice was probably like giving your last leftovers to God instead of the firstfruits He both wants and deserves way more than you, anyway. It doesn't take faith, because you didn't really do anything differently in your life because of it.

Frankly, I often have trouble with the binaries, or lack thereof, in the world. It's far easier to understand life in black and white. But God is a person, and like any person, doesn't fit into any kind of formula or predictability. So it's His divine right (and in this case, who could blame Him anyway?) to look favorably upon some offerings and not upon others. Some offerings are better, some come from a deeper place in the heart and thus contain more of us. More of our will, because they reflect more of the giver's intention (if I didn't already tell you, I think will and intention are the deepest part of someone's being). To use a dumb example, think of the difference between someone giving you store-bought cookies and home-baked ones. Sure, they are both cookies. And even if they taste the same (I think we all know the home-baked ones would be better in a non-hypothetical situation), heck, even if the home ones are worse, you will probably look more favorably on the ones that someone took time to plan and bake for you, which they did not have to do (evidenced by the fact that there is such a thing as store-bought cookies).

The rough part for me is that I can easily imagine myself in Cain's place: someone else totally spends more time with God, and I am jealous that they seem to be receiving more from Him. Well, should I be surprised by this? If I gave up what they have to pursue Jesus, would I not receive the riches I see them with?

Lastly, there's a verse somewhere (thought it was in James or Corinthians, but couldn't find it, and Google didn't help at all) about how we kill people or are mean to them or something not because of how bad they are, but how bad we are (awful, awful paraphrase I know). And this seemed relevant, and I would've added it if I could've.

What we look at says more about us than what we look like.

Some of those bright motivational posters for children say, “It’s what’s inside that counts!” I propose that, alternately, what we take in is more important than both our outsides and our insides. Because it’s a choice. People act like their life happens to them, and it partially does, but I think your true life is defined by what you decide to do about it, not by what happens. It’s like all the metaphors about hands you’re dealt and making lemonade. Life handing lemons is the test, and lemonade, your answers, are more you than the exam questions. Isn’t that true of a real test; which part is written in your handwriting?

Jesus said what you eat isn’t what makes you unclean, but I totally think that proves my point.

Mark 7 begins with a story of the Pharisees criticizing Jesus’ disciples for not washing their hands before they ate. Then Jesus lectures the Pharisees for holding too tightly to tradition and thus missing the point. In Mark 7:14-16, Jesus “again called the crowd to him and said, 'Listen to me, everyone, and understand this. Nothing outside you can defile you by going into you. Rather, it is what comes out of you that defiles you.'” When the disciples ask him to explain, he accuses them of being dull (“willfully stupid” in the Message), and explains the rationale in v 19: “For it doesn’t go into your heart but into your stomach, and then out of your body.”

Even the Message translation holds to this same point: “Don’t you see that what you swallow can’t contaminate you? It doesn’t enter your heart but your stomach, works its way through the intestines, and is finally flushed.”

I think it’s pretty clear by this passage that something that actually does enter your heart has the potential to contaminate you. And of course, there’s Philippians 4:8 “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” The Message says, “you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.”

I think we sometimes buy into this idea that we can control what we are on the inside. I’m not so sure I agree. Haven’t you ever had an unwelcome thought? I’ve had more than I could possibly ever hope to count. Unwelcome means uninvited, and therefore I didn’t control its presence in my mind. We’re all born with internal, invisible traits we may or may not like.

Even Jesus couldn’t do all He did without a good influence, something to watch and fill his mind with, the most true, noble lovely, pure, admirable, beautiful, gracious, compelling, best, praise-worthy being that has ever existed:

John 5:19-20 -“Very truly I tell you, the Son can do nothing by himself, he can do only what he sees the Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does. For the Father loves the Son and shows him all he does. Yes, and he will show him even greater works than these, so that you will be amazed.

Martyn Lloyd-Jones said that spiritual depression is mainly "due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself."

I realized this last part last night. I have this desire to regularly meet with a woman who is older than I am, just to talk to her about life. I apparently had this desire when I was in Paris, too, because in retrospect I totally did that, I just showed up at her office (granted, she was a youth pastor) a bunch of times and we talked. Last night I tried to ask this woman from church if we could get a meal some time, but really I used the word for sometimes, and either way, it doesn't matter because her response wasn't the desired, "of course! I know what you mean," even though I tried to explain why I was asking, it was more like, "sure, but you should just hang out with my son at my house if you're lonely."

Afterward I felt awkward for asking because I felt misunderstood and even a touch creepy, and I had to tell myself over and over again that it's really not that big of a deal that I asked, that she knows there's a language barrier, and ultimately, whatever she did end up thinking about it (or more likely, not thinking about it), I will not necessarily ever know so the fact remains that either way I need to quickly accept that it happened and move on from it. That was me talking to myself, even coaching myself if you will, with a chant of, "It's not a big deal, everything is fine, you can let it go." But that is not what I would think if I were listening to myself. If I were listening to myself, I'd hear, "you are SO creepy right now. She probably really doesn't want to hang out with you, and is too busy anyway, and is trying to foist you off on her son, and did I mention how awkward it is that you just asked to meet up with her for more than one meal even though you just met recently and don't even remember her first name?" (Connection time: those thoughts, coming out of me, want to defile me, like in the Mark 7 passage.)

One last thing. My mom never let me watch Friends growing up (to this day, I've never seen a full episode, or really enjoyed it-- maybe there's still a sour feeling attached to it) or lots of other things (she was so upset when she caught me trying to watch 40 days and 40 nights once after she'd gone to bed) and she was so against Gossip Girl that she confiscated the books I received for Christmas and complained that the TV show was TRASH when I mentioned it once. She believed something called GIGO- garbage in, garbage out. I still deeply resent this saying, and it's very, very begrudgingly that I admit it's spot on and if I ever have a kid I'm not letting them watch anything either.

Last thing, I promise: this is embarrassing, but I've heard lots of other people do it, too. When I am thinking about something hard enough, or imagining something, my face starts to reflect it. Seriously if I think about someone asking me a question I would say yes to, I start to smile and nod without meaning to. This can happen when I am reading a book, or at lots of other times. This proves to me that we are actually interacting deeply with our surroundings, and with our imaginations, even if we pretend not to be.

The Look on His Face

When I have emotional pain, I'm always convinced that it's worse than physical pain. But then I get the flu, and I am like, there is no possible way that anything is worse than this. Probably the worst part is that it's degrading. You're helpless in every way, and also it's just plain gross.

Anyway, I had the flu yesterday. I also prayed a lot. About that, mostly, but other things too. And the thing is, sometimes I've heard it can be a good thing when you're praying to imagine God's face. This seems like a good enough idea to me. Of course He's smiling when you pray to Him, because He accepts even our smallest offerings, and loves us so, just as if you were in love with someone, you would be happy with any way that they reach out to you, even if it's not the exact thing you wanted to hear.

Normally, that makes sense, and I like accepting that His face is smiling at me. But when I am helplessly suffering, I just can't imagine the look on His face. Frankly, I wouldn't want Him to be smiling. That would be ignoring the horrible pain I am in, a pain to which death seems preferable. I would be so pissed if one of my friends or family members was just smiling at me in that situation. But God is a happy person, they say. And for Him to be crying would make it seem like He was helpless, too, helpless to save me. Which I know He is not. Whatever face He has, He's never desperately wringing His hands and fretting.

I just can't picture Him.