Deep Grief

Reading Joel, I came across the passage, "Mourn like a virgin in sackcloth grieving for the betrothed of her youth" (1:8). All the recent news of weddings/engagements of so, so many people from Wheaton made me appreciate this metaphor even more than usual. People are so excited about their futures together, about planning and the love that they already have now and want to have more of in the coming years of their lives. They probably feel certain that this is the person God hand picked for them to spend the rest of their life with. The verse is like, what if due to some tragedy, instead of a wedding there was a funeral? The anguish would be made a million times worse by the happy anticipation it replaces.

But then I thought, well if you never ended up marrying the person at all, would that be a relief at all? Would it be a little worse to lose your actual spouse, and/or the parent of your children? And that line of thinking made me remember sitting in a car with a few people and discussing whether it would be worse to accidentally kill your child or your lover. I think the answer to that one is pretty obvious: they are both terrible so it doesn't matter.

What all those things have in common, though, is that they represent among the darkest possible of human experience. Especially because it's so unexpected and thus seemingly so meaningless or accidental. Everyone has pain, but this type of loss seems pretty clearly worse than the other kinds.

So I have looked for a silver lining. I obviously would still never wish this stuff on anyone, just to be clear. But I think maybe the benefit to losing everything and hitting rock bottom is the freedom. I once read, [paraphrase] "Once I was dead, I didn't care about my wallet. I gave it away to the first person I saw."

If your entire perception of reality was flipped on its head, you would be free of all the stupid stuff that keeps the rest from doing what they really love. A person who had been through that kind of deep grief would literally be forced to find a reason to keep living and to keep loving. I don't know if the average person will ever find that reason. Often we kind of only do what we have to, to get by. I think it's fully possible (though sad) that someone could float through their whole life without really being free of vague fears that keep them from living the fullest life possible. Deep down, I really do think the only way to truly fail at life is not to try (to clarify, that "failed" attempts would be a form of success by putting the focus on the word "attempts"), but we let dumb things stop us, like pride or fear (which tends to be related to pride, too).

"The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning." -Ivy Baker Priest

I think this is where the idea of dying to self comes from.. Dead people are not worried about whether they look cool anymore.

Again, I repeat, I haven't had such an extreme experience, and I would never say someone ought to, but since they do happen, they can be dealt with in a way that brings more life and more joy and more freedom.

Also from Joel: "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten" [the Lord replied to them]. (2:25a).

Even-ness and package-deal-lives

I have this idea that everything somehow comes out even for all of us. It may have begun when I was jealous of one of my friends whose mother bought her a $200 dress for our 8^th grade dance and my mother said, “would you like it if your parents were divorced?” Meaning that I couldn't just cherry-pick the best parts of her life, because a life is a package deal. Meaning also, perhaps--I am just now realizing for the first time--that there was some link between the expensive dress and the divorce-- the friend’s mother may have been trying to compensate, or to demonstrate that this girl could still have all she wanted, or that the mother didn’t need a man to be able to afford nice, even luxurious, things for her daughter.

I feel like the specific bad things that happen to each of us will be made up for by the good things that happen to only us. Like shortcomings in our personality are excused by our strengths. (Sometimes unfairly. I think I am way more forgiving of attractive people, or people who have something to offer me). Like those of us who suffer through being nerdy or weird in school may someday literally be more fulfilled in life because we’ve learned what’s truly important.

I don’t know if this is true. I would suspect it is not, especially in very extreme cases, but it’s an idea I can’t shake from the back of my mind (not that I’ve tried very hard, or wanted to). I suppose it’s a manifestation of every human’s desire for justice. It just doesn’t seem right that people could really have a worse life. I mean, I honestly believe that suffering purifies us and makes us better people. I think that with every part of my mind. I have moments when I lapse away from it, but that belief has stood the test of time for me. So then, if our life is hard, our character is better for it.

A recent and vivid example that seems to prove my idea comes from a writing class. There is a girl I know, who is a good example of shininess (something I want to cover in a later post). To the extreme. She made an anonymous cameo in someone else’s essay because her Facebook makes her seem so happy and blessed that it was worth it to bring her up and talk about how lucky she is. This girl is not someone I know very well, but I know she came to college with a boyfriend who seemed loving and great for her. Later I found out that she cried at night so loudly that she could be heard outside her room. (To be honest, I don’t know how often. I remember it as “fairly often” but I’m not sure). And she and that “perfect man” are no longer together. Her nighttime crying (something I did not experience freshman year) is a great example of balancing out how damn jealous everyone is of her because she seems so happy. When I found that out, I was deeply gratified. Not that I was glad she cried, but I was glad she was human.

People who are truly happy all the time, not faking, to the extent that they exist, are living in ignorance and simplicity. They have traded intelligence and honesty for a shallowness that may be a bad thing. It reminds me of a dog. When I was a child I used to be jealous of my dog Yodi because he could just lay around all day. But, in keeping with what my mother taught me about a life as a package deal, I knew I couldn't read or eat really good food if I were a dog. But dogs can be happy all the time because they don't have to think about the deep sadness and inequality the world holds. With Jesus as our example we can still find joy and love through suffering, even though we have to be human. It's too hot in here to write more about that now. Hopefully someday I will be super comfortable to make up for it ;)