Sometimes I think about how I could be doing more for poor people (what? I don't know. All I can think of is walking up to random hobos with a hot meal, or giving money whenever you're asked for it, or taking on several Compassion children). And sometimes, this makes me panic.
I had a fantastic Christmas this year. In every way. I was richly blessed relationally and materially. German relatives who I had previously met about once opened up their homes and schedules to me. I have had really fun and interesting experiences with nice, smart, funny people who really seem to care about me, and on top of that I've gotten some great gifts. And some money. Like, more than I've ever gotten at one holiday in my entire life. And this money really starts to make me panic. Do I have to tithe it? How much do I have to give away? It would be copping out not to give away all of it, what about that verse about selling everything you own to give to the poor? Isn't it ridiculous to give it all away? And to whom? And wouldn't I feel so weird about it that I wouldn't even be glad I had done so?
These are dumb questions, I decided. They smack of fear and legalism, and panic is of the devil. This is what I think:
We don't have to walk around feeling guilty about our lack of deeds/giving. As long as we feel guilty, we are incapable of doing said deeds out of anything but obligation, and they are meaningless unless we do them in love. It's hard for me to accept grace, God's timing, waiting, but if we insist on forcing the deeds, it's declaring God's outrageous, extravagant love isn't enough. His grace that would love us no less even if we never helped another person again, is offensive, but I need to accept that as truth and not fret about my apparent lack of giving back. Everything in its time.
Obviously I think giving back is incredibly important, because it reflects the state of the heart. But I think if we are spending time with God and allowing him to give us a heart just like his, the desire to give will bubble up inside of us, and we can give joyfully out of that.
And fyi, I don't think each good deed and act of giving has to be specifically called out by God in advance. I am just processing through this idea of living guilt-free. I am deciding more and more that everything in the world is so interconnected that we have chances every day to either fight oppression or look the other way: oppression of animals (eating meat at a fast food restaurant), of people (some friends have been telling me chocolate is made by slavery, and I've heard a lot of cheaper clothing is manufactured in sweatshops), or of the earth (being wasteful). We can shop at fair trade stores and buy products that didn't take advantage of anyone before making it to us.
I realize those decisions are all deeds or works, but they have far less guilt and panic attached to them than straight up cash. I am sure we were not meant to live in guilt and panic.
I found some Scriptures that helped me:
"...Rebekah's children were conceived at the same time by our father Isaac. Yet, before the twins had done anything good or bad -- in order that God's purpose in election might stand: not by works but by him who calls-- she was told, "The older one will serve the younger." Just as it is written: "Jacob have I loved, but Esau I hated." What then shall we say? Is God unjust? Not at all! For he says to Moses, "I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion." It does not, therefore, depend on human desire or effort, but on God's mercy." -Romans 9:10-16
We can't work or give our way out of guilt. We can't work or give our way out of anything. God is doing the heavy lifting, doing all the work there is to do, we're on his team, contributing the strengths that he gifted us with to help, and enjoying him in the process.
This one is better:
"I will raise up Cyrus in my righteousness: I will make all his ways straight. He will rebuild my city and set my exiles free, but not for a price or reward, says the LORD Almighty." -Isaiah 45:13
It startled me, and even seemed random. But this is what I got: The Lord is raising up Cyrus. Cyrus is doing his own thing in the sense that he has free will, but is doing God's thing in the sense that he's being animated and guided by God into his good works. Just like all of us. The mistake is in thinking there's separation there, like God does something, and then separately we work out our own other thing. We ought to accept that God promises as long as we seek him, he is doing stuff through us whether or not we are aware of it all the time. Cyrus is not doing those wonderful deeds to impress God or assuage his own guilt in any way, but by divine initiative.
There's always more we can be doing and more we can be giving. But God's Christmas gift to us 365 days a year is not to be panicky or guilty about this fact, because he knows us, and he will use us.
If you are reading this, I'd love to hear what you think. I of course don't want to unintentionally become callous to other peoples' problems while I wait for God to move in a way that may not be what I am expecting.
