All or Nothing, revisited / Empty Space

Something has been bothering me for months, and sitting here today I finally realized what it was. I had been turning around and around in my mind the idea of "either things matter, or they don't."

What I meant by that was either our actions and our sins have consequences and eternal weight, or they do not. It's obvious that our sins do have consequences even if we are forgiven of them (example: a baby that results from adultery, which is also an eternal result). It's obvious that even if Jesus forgives you for making all the wrong choices, you still made them.

I was having trouble finding some idea to hold on to to sort of anchor my thoughts.. I felt like I was thrashing around and never colliding with anything substantial as I tried to make sense of how it was possible for grace to exist, and what it could mean, because if it doesn't wipe away the sin completely, then what does it really do? By the magic of external processing, I have just realized that I think an action is categorized as a sin (or not a sin) based on our attitude toward God as we do it (with some sort of exception for mental illness, I guess?), and that alone. Thus grace restores our relationship to God (again and again and again). That's what it does. Because we can't do that on our own.

Acting against what you know to be right, or against what you feel God's telling you, is sin, whereas the same action performed by someone else might not be a sin. And we could be hurt by an action that was not a sin, if someone has good intentions for us. Like if you were allergic to penicillin (spelled that right on the first try, nbd) and someone administered it to you in some sort of medical situation that requires penicillin, thinking it would save your life, but the result was you got much worse and were in much more pain, that's completely different than someone who knows you're allergic and wants to hurt you.

So the reason something is a sin is because it ruptures your relationship with God somehow. It could be you making your own choice despite what you believe God wants for you, thereby supplanting him as ruler of your life and know-er of all that is right (knowledge of good and evil?). In fact maybe that's all it ever is, but it just takes different forms. That's not a very original idea, I admit.

What does this all have to do with my revelation? I think most people, and most especially people my age, are looking for meaning in their lives, for some evidence that whatever we're doing isn't a waste. Either it's a waste, and we should change something, or it isn't a waste, and it's okay to keep many things the same. Either we have time to try harder later, or we are scorning God's gift by not trying hard now. All or nothing.

Living in France is neat, and one reason I like it is because the first thing that jumps to mind isn't "waste of time," when I think of "spending a year after college working in France." But really, just as atoms are mostly empty space, and outer space is mostly empty space, and lots of things in between* are mostly empty space with a few significant little pieces that give the rest meaning and identity, my life here has a lot of "empty space" between moments of importance or significance. Because I work about ten hours a week, and have between 2 and 3 "church things" a week, and the rest is up in the air and can be settled any which way.

So I find myself thinking, "oh, if I am wasting time here, Jesus will forgive me," and then I think, "but wasting time is squandering my brief existence on earth" and then I think, "I love being in my room! The only thing I don't love about it is this fear that I'm wasting time." Then I look at some blogs of women who put up 5-7 pictures of themselves in different outfits posing in different ways every few days, with the designer or store where they got each article of clothing neatly and perhaps painstakingly typed up beneath, and I think "what a waste of time, but also I'm jealous because so many strangers are complimenting their style" and THEN I think, "if what they are doing is a waste of time, then what do you call what I am doing reading these blogs?"

In short, I tried to look at my status as a child of God for confirmation that I am not wasting my time. It didn't work. Because I guess deep down I think things matter. But then, is that being blasphemous? Aka, am I really okay with coming to a conclusion that leaves me feeling sort of ashamed because frankly I can't see myself giving any more effort at this particular moment of my life without it becoming direct, unmitigated legalism? I can only be assured of not wasting my time on a macro level. I can be sure that good works are being done through me (I generally consider Jesus' commands to us to be promises fulfilled by the Spirit in us, a la The Shack), and that God has me here for a reason, which I occasionally glimpse, but the amount I realize his reasoning has no bearing on how good of a reason it is.

But I was not convinced that I am not wasting my time. I thought about what I would be doing if I lived in America instead. In my imagination that, too, was mostly empty space, because summers between school years growing up had their camps and stuff but were largely empty space. School leaves less room for empty space, because if you're in school you probably have friends there who you'll hang out with, and extracurricular activities that take up enough of your time that you don't have as much space to wonder if your life has meaning, and at any rate at the end you have a degree or something. But school is over for now. And even when I worked 35 hours a week last summer, the job I was at was definitely mostly empty space. I sat at a desk for 7-8 hour shifts and staved off the boredom the best I could, then came home to no homework.

Then that one guy made that youtube video about Jesus versus religion and I read a response to it that pointed out that Jesus was, in fact, sort of a fan of rules when he said (John 14:21a paraphrased) "If you love me, follow my commandments." And I said, "Am I really following those commandments? Most of the time I am not interacting with other people, in fact I have been known to sometimes avoid opportunities to interact with them when I am sure that interaction will not be fun or manifestly fruitful." But I am consciously following some of the commandments, some of the time. Here, too, is mostly empty space.

What I realized today was not an answer to my question "so, do things matter or not?", but I realized why I was asking: I was asking because by any reasonable standard, my life right now is a giant waste of time. The internet is full of well-meaning people telling you to seize the day, every day, and to get off the couch. Well, my couch is in a room that doesn't get internet, so often I don't even have the benefit of being on the couch. I am a step down from wasting my life sitting on my couch- I am wasting (most of) my life sitting in bed. -100 points. People say be creative and follow your dreams, that it's always worth it. I believe those people. But I don't even know what my dreams are.

Part of me thinks if we could just find contentment where we are, we would have defeated Satan for good, and the other part of me thinks that's exactly what Satan would want, so that we'll stop reaching higher and eventually just remain exactly where we are, getting too fat to be healthy. This clearly demonstrates the problem of having such a black and white mind as the one that animates my body.

I conclude that we should "just give our best and the rest will come," (thank you Sleeping at Last, this is the second time I have quoted this exact line on this blog) and grace will cover all the other things, but I don't know what my best is, or how to give it. That's life, huh?

[Hahaha this sounds like such an emo rant, but I promise it's not. I feel very even-tempered as I write this, perhaps even peaceful. I know I make myself sound bad and/or boring, but I'm not very afraid of that. I guess because I believe I can't be the only one with these questions. Also, though I guess I believe deep down that things matter, I know I also believe that everything will be okay.]


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*My "in-between" example is a city, especially if you think of it as including the airspace above it and the earth below it. Only the things at about ground-level, which take up a relatively small chunk, determine what city it is.

Guilt and Giving

Sometimes I think about how I could be doing more for poor people (what? I don't know. All I can think of is walking up to random hobos with a hot meal, or giving money whenever you're asked for it, or taking on several Compassion children). And sometimes, this makes me panic.

I had a fantastic Christmas this year. In every way. I was richly blessed relationally and materially. German relatives who I had previously met about once opened up their homes and schedules to me. I have had really fun and interesting experiences with nice, smart, funny people who really seem to care about me, and on top of that I've gotten some great gifts. And some money. Like, more than I've ever gotten at one holiday in my entire life. And this money really starts to make me panic. Do I have to tithe it? How much do I have to give away? It would be copping out not to give away all of it, what about that verse about selling everything you own to give to the poor? Isn't it ridiculous to give it all away? And to whom? And wouldn't I feel so weird about it that I wouldn't even be glad I had done so?

These are dumb questions, I decided. They smack of fear and legalism, and panic is of the devil. This is what I think:

We don't have to walk around feeling guilty about our lack of deeds/giving. As long as we feel guilty, we are incapable of doing said deeds out of anything but obligation, and they are meaningless unless we do them in love. It's hard for me to accept grace, God's timing, waiting, but if we insist on forcing the deeds, it's declaring God's outrageous, extravagant love isn't enough. His grace that would love us no less even if we never helped another person again, is offensive, but I need to accept that as truth and not fret about my apparent lack of giving back. Everything in its time.

Obviously I think giving back is incredibly important, because it reflects the state of the heart. But I think if we are spending time with God and allowing him to give us a heart just like his, the desire to give will bubble up inside of us, and we can give joyfully out of that.

And fyi, I don't think each good deed and act of giving has to be specifically called out by God in advance. I am just processing through this idea of living guilt-free. I am deciding more and more that everything in the world is so interconnected that we have chances every day to either fight oppression or look the other way: oppression of animals (eating meat at a fast food restaurant), of people (some friends have been telling me chocolate is made by slavery, and I've heard a lot of cheaper clothing is manufactured in sweatshops), or of the earth (being wasteful). We can shop at fair trade stores and buy products that didn't take advantage of anyone before making it to us.

I realize those decisions are all deeds or works, but they have far less guilt and panic attached to them than straight up cash. I am sure we were not meant to live in guilt and panic.

I found some Scriptures that helped me:

"...Rebekah's children were conceived at the same time by our father Isaac. Yet, before the twins had done anything good or bad -- in order that God's purpose in election might stand: not by works but by him who calls-- she was told, "The older one will serve the younger." Just as it is written: "Jacob have I loved, but Esau I hated." What then shall we say? Is God unjust? Not at all! For he says to Moses, "I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion." It does not, therefore, depend on human desire or effort, but on God's mercy." -Romans 9:10-16

We can't work or give our way out of guilt. We can't work or give our way out of anything. God is doing the heavy lifting, doing all the work there is to do, we're on his team, contributing the strengths that he gifted us with to help, and enjoying him in the process.

This one is better:

"I will raise up Cyrus in my righteousness: I will make all his ways straight. He will rebuild my city and set my exiles free, but not for a price or reward, says the LORD Almighty." -Isaiah 45:13

It startled me, and even seemed random. But this is what I got: The Lord is raising up Cyrus. Cyrus is doing his own thing in the sense that he has free will, but is doing God's thing in the sense that he's being animated and guided by God into his good works. Just like all of us. The mistake is in thinking there's separation there, like God does something, and then separately we work out our own other thing. We ought to accept that God promises as long as we seek him, he is doing stuff through us whether or not we are aware of it all the time. Cyrus is not doing those wonderful deeds to impress God or assuage his own guilt in any way, but by divine initiative.

There's always more we can be doing and more we can be giving. But God's Christmas gift to us 365 days a year is not to be panicky or guilty about this fact, because he knows us, and he will use us.

If you are reading this, I'd love to hear what you think. I of course don't want to unintentionally become callous to other peoples' problems while I wait for God to move in a way that may not be what I am expecting.