"About nine in the morning he went out and saw others standing in the marketplace doing nothing. He told them, 'You also go and work in my vineyard, and I will pay you whatever is right.' So they went.
"He went out again about noon and about three in the afternoon and did the same thing. About five in the afternoon he went out and found still others standing around. He asked them, 'Why have you been standing here all day long doing nothing?'
"'Because no one has hired us,' they answered.
"He said to them, 'You also go and work in my vineyard.'
"When evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his supervisor, 'Call the workers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last ones hired and going on to the first.'
"The workers who were hired about five in the afternoon came and each received a denarius. So when those came who were hired first, they expected to receive more. But each one of them also received a denarius. When they received it, they began to grumble against the landowner. These men who were hired last worked only one hour,' they said, 'and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the work and the heat of the day.'
"But he answered one of them, 'Friend, I am not being unfair to you. Didn't you agree to work for a denarius? Take your pay and go. I want to give the one who was hired last the same as I gave you. Don't I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?'
"So the last will be first, and the first will be last."
-Matthew 20:1-16
So, it's confession time for me. I'm not going to confess that I haven't updated this blog in over ten months: that is obvious, and isn't a sin :o). During those months, by the way, I moved to New Hampshire and began "working" for a Christian healing community. Working is in quotes because while there's more work than I'd ever done in my life, I'm technically a missionary and the monthly stipend I receive isn't working wages so much as a little boost in the direction of survival.
No, my confession is that, as I have a long-standing tendency to do, I have been comparing myself to other people and being dissatisfied or grumbly. I sometimes try to couch it in humor or snark, but when I am honest I know I've been genuinely displeased that other peoples' jobs here in this community seem to be easier or better than mine. (Just to be super clear, I'm not displeased about the money part.) I've also begun to hope that with so many staff leaving, I'll be able to change my job. My current job includes doing whatever I am told to do (whatever odd job needs doing around here) and cleaning the same three buildings every day. Well, six days a week. On a rotating basis sometimes. Not in that order. The cleaning tends to come first. And most importantly, leading small crews of people in this work. That is what I find most difficult.
Oh, also I get jealous of people who are good at counseling. I think it's something I want to be good at, but it might take a lot of work for me. It's not really one of my natural giftings, I'm learning. But this is a setting where people with those gifts really shine and can make an obvious difference in peoples' lives.
But I was talking to my mentor in our mentoring session this week and I had a little epiphany. It involved me remembering back to when I applied to come here. It was analogous to the question, "Didn't you agree to work for a denarius?" I realized that about a year ago when I was applying to serve at this ministry, I never said I would be good at it. I wanted to be better at mentoring and counseling, but I was never promised (by God, I guess) that I would suddenly be amazing. I just told God if they let me work here, I would. That's all. I knew it would be tons of work; no one ever hid or disguised that from me. There was never any expectation of more, or different, than tons of work all year long. I knew God would sustain me through the unpleasant seasons, and He has. I only began to be dissatisfied was when I actually arrived here and looked at others and saw what they have that I do not, or responsibilities they don't have to fulfill that I agreed to.
I have been grumbling against my landowner. And He replies, "Friend, I am not being unfair to you." (v. 13) He asks me, "Don't I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?" (v. 15)
Seeing other people possess something is not a legitimate reason for me to begin wanting it. I am not entitled to generosity (though I quickly add that's what I've been given anyway), but God will fulfill every promise He's made to me. Yet I'd better know what those promises are and what they are not, and under what conditions they are promised. Example: He doesn't promise me a more enjoyable job after I've put in some time at an unpleasant job. He doesn't promise me I can be good at all the things I think I should be good at to be good at life. There's a large spectrum of gifts, spiritual and otherwise, and He is clear that He doesn't give us all the same ones.
And, yes, I am envious because He is generous, frankly. But I have hope that as He works in my heart, I'll be able to be glad that he is generous, and happy for people who have things that I want. And to answer the other question, I do know He has a right to do what He wants with His own money. It's His, and I know in my head that I would not be a fairer boss than Him, even if I had money.
Lastly, I think this might be one of those parables where we're tempted to think of ourselves as the early workers when really we're the last workers hired, and so we do actually want God to be as generous to those last people as we are those last people. I get that. I'm just glad that Scripture can have multiple applications, because really, otherwise why would it be a parable and not just a recounting of a story?
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