And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father,
and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord
searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you
seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you
forever. 1 Chronicles 28:9
God has been reminding me that following Jesus
is a big deal. It’s not an add-on to an already full and meaningful existence;* it's the central point. The two verses above were in my Bible reading on the same day last week, and they arrived the day after I felt convicted on this matter. I think lately I pay lip
service to Christianity without fully entering into what it means. Here is how I can tell: if someone were to ask me what I am living for, and what the point of my life is, I would reply that it's to glorify God, because I don't have anything better to say, but I would know deep down that if you look at all my actions and motivations, that's not really what I am living for. Because love for Jesus isn't what motivates the majority of my actions. In my daily life, I tend to follow him when it's convenient and lines up with what I would already do.
So what am I living for really? Well, that's the million dollar question in this recently-graduated season of my life. But I am far more lost than I ought to be. What I mean by that: I think some of the fear in my life comes from not accepting truths that the Bible teaches pretty plainly. There are some things I know already that I am still allowing to haunt me with doubt. In 1 Corinthians chapter 7 (which my Bible reading plan had me read with the above verses... what a day!) believers are specifically instructed: "each of you should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to you, just as God has called you." (1 Corinthians 7:17a). Then, "each of you should remain in the situation you were in when God called you," (7:20) is repeated twice. Among other things, I take this to mean that the situation I am in is the one God called me to. I shouldn't expect God to fret or be dissatisfied that the people he calls are in their respective locations. (This is also me reminding myself, again, that God doesn't call most of us to sell all our belongings and move to Africa, though he does call some to.) So I don't have to fear that I am wasting time here. I know God calls us to be wise and make the most of every opportunity (Ephesians 5:15-16), but that is separate from this larger concept of "where I am," and whether I "belong" there. The answer is yes, I freaking belong here. I must accept that and move on to other things, rather than getting mired in this question that has already been answered for me, and using that "confusion" as an excuse to walk or even limp after God rather than running after him.
Living in a jr-sr high school and getting little tastes of the social pressures and raw cruelty of that world, not to mention just plain living in another country's culture, have made me less sure of myself than I was before. I weigh my words as carefully as I can, trying to avoid saying things that will make people laugh at me for reasons I don't understand. When I say people, I of course mean the twelve- and thirteen-year-olds, because almost everyone else is mature enough to not be a jerk about language mistakes. This hesitation to speak is not in keeping with my beliefs about life, which include the idea that the only way to fail is to not try. After all, the more mistakes I make in front of these little critics, the quicker I will get feedback and improve my speech.
I am also less sure of myself at the grocery store, partly since I don't understand everything on the shelves. Today I wasn't sure if I wanted to try a can of beans with meat in it (cassoulet) but I knew I definitely didn't want to when someone else came into the aisle and I imagined looking like a loser, living alone and buying something that looked like dog food in a can. The other shopper was not looking at me, and probably even likes cassoulet, because it's probably good if there were so many shelves of its different versions, but I have not been marching to my own drum here because I have no idea how to act, and the constant awareness of not knowing how to act really throws me curveballs. This one is a great example, I mean, I don't think I would be tempted by cassoulet in America, because it doesn't seem that healthy and it wouldn't even have the distinction of being "French food," so only here in France do I find myself in this sort of weird pseudo-dilemma about what to buy and how it might seem to people I don't know, who don't know I live alone, and who are not looking at what I put in my bag.
So those are two ways I have been ruled by fear instead of living within truths I already know, like: my value doesn't come from what rude foreign children, or random strangers on the street, think about me. Or: I can afford to be kind to people, even if I'm afraid of coming across too intense because no one seems to smile and it's confusing and makes me want to stop trying anything at all.
Out of fear, I have been cherry picking which parts of God’s law and command I
follow. I make exceptions for dumb reasons like what other people are doing. That is such a terrible reason because my path
is different than theirs. If I want to be inspired by people, I should
look at the best things they do and seek to emulate those, not use the failings
of others to justify my own bad decisions. I used to justify music piracy because I had a missionary
friend that didn’t think it was a big deal and got free music all the time.
That is between him and God, just as it is between me and God for me to follow
my conscience as best I can and not look for loopholes and exceptions and wiggle room.
As a more recent example, nowadays I seem to overlook the repeated parts of God's commands that suggest (oh wait, actually command) that we devote every part of our lives and ourselves to holiness and to his service. I don't think television is necessarily unholy, but I think using reruns to fill any spare moment that's not spent online is a poor stewarding of the time one is given. More to the point, I think if I get to midnight on a day I had two hours of work, and I have found no time to rest in God's presence, but I found time to watch some TV, I have a problem.
To return to the 1 Chronicles passage: I do have devotion. It's just half-hearted devotion. It's devotion that wakes up and hastily gets dressed when guilt gives it a little kick because it's been a bit since I went out of my way to do something nice. It's devotion that swells when good things happen to me and ebbs when I am bored or I might actually have to be in an awkward social situation with the other teachers. And do I have a willing mind? No. I have a mind that's scared I will be called to talk about the gospel with non-believing friends. That hates that idea, and hates the hate. And feels guilt for it. Then, guilty for this guilt. I have a mind that genuinely has to resist the pull of Futurama when it comes down to a choice between that or reading the Word, a mind that lets the Bible win by just 1%, a percent composed of guilt and wanting to be able to say I made that choice if I ever talk about it. There is some part of me that's willing. I know it! But surely it can't be this fragmented and often grumpy mind.
Last week, two days in a row I went to read my Bible and, through moments of quietness and listening, was led instead to a different activity that still connected me with God. It was awesome. One day, it was much-needed self-reflection through writing, and the next it was music and a reminder of what God is
for me. And then an impossibly gentle further point was impressed upon me: I have a part to
play, too, if I am the Christ-follower I say I am. It’s an if-then thing, which
I appreciate. If I am a Christian, I have made
commitments I must live up to. If not, then it doesn't matter how I choose what to do. But it's not fair to call myself by Christ's name and then put Jesus second or third on my list of what I live for. Especially if reason #1 is super amorphous and contradictory and more composed of negatives and evasion tactics than anything defined and positive.
Even though this whole thing seems negative and makes me sound really bad, I take comfort in the fact that, as evidenced by my last paragraph, God honors my efforts to reach out to him. I am not terribly disciplined yet, but he is giving me a heart just like his, and that can take a while. One of the hardest things for me to accept as a short-tempered human is God's patience with my serious issues and my waffling. He's not surprised by any of this, and it doesn't make him love me less. Instead I bet he's happy I noticed the glaring problem, and that he accepts whatever little part of my heart is his that is trying to get the rest of my heart on board. I have a hope and a belief that I am moving in the right direction, because God will do the heavy lifting (there's a lot of it) to change me, if only I ask him to. It has to be this way, because I can't do this on my own.
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*Ha, not that I have that right now anyway.
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